Why Shino Wears Shades
by ReturnToSender
Summary: Utter Crack. My head hurts. Kakashi attacks with a spoonfork, more commonly the spork. Shino high. A little NaruSasu covorting thrown in. Freaking Anime. I guess what you could call smut.


"_Cough, hack, wheeze_."

Kakashi lifted an eyebrow at the noise coming from the boy's bathroom, fucking rip-shit - err, vaguely annoyed - by the fact he looks away from his Cum Cum. Because, as all Naruto fans know, this is a volatile dissever, and has the potentiality for universal _explode-y_! Volcanoes erupting, seas turned to mud, plague, hot freaky mansex, ZOMBIES! _Cough_, okay, so the mansex could stay...

But back to the event at hand! Eyebrow raised, Kakashi went to push open the door. He had a feeling it was that little _bitch _Iruka again since he tended to smoke crack in the afternoons. After the smart kids went home. Well geeze! You figure since _they _were gone - gargling with acid if god loved him, little shit heads - and the dumb ones had detention, and since it didn't matter anyway if they got stupider, what was wrong with a little recreational drug use? Not a damn thing, that's what! But Kakashi was still pissed about Iruka stiffing him fifty bucks, so he figured a little smack down was in order. He liked smacking Iruka. There was just something funny about smacking crack whores.

So, strolling non-nonchalantly - ha, ha, _non-nonchalant_ - into the bathroom and whistling some crappy tune (hey, his dad was a carny and nuthin's wrong with that!) he slammed at one of the stalls. _Eww_, gross, somebody launched a sperm whale!

"Yo, Iruka get your stupid face out here or I'ma call immigration on yur ass! Freaky Hindu bastard."

"_Cough, hack_, fuck..."

Kakashi raised the other eyebrow - they were cool his magic pony eyebrows - when he realized that wasn't Iruka's cough. Crack heads had a certain, uh, crack-y cough, you know. NOPE, it was the sound of a student smoking cough - he sniffed at the air - holy shit, the _ganj! _Ha, _yeeesss_, now his most diabolical plan could be put into action! A young nubile boy, stoned off his ass to do Kakashi's bidding - they would start with the faculty first, then work their way down to the students, polishing off the smart ones. Heeehhh, Sasuke the pretentious little shit, he was totally blowing that Emo freak's head off...

Kakashi was yanked from his imaginings of X-rated violence - dammit, he'd get that Sasuke kid and his little balls too! - at the frantic tap-dancing of some punk with sunglasses. No, waitaminnit, _crap_, jus that freakin' res peyote - ha, he weren't _tap-dancing_. Potential-lackey-number-one was just _there_ with his coat covering his mouth. Fuck, what the hell was _up _with that look? It was he, _Ka-kashi _(he liked it better when Guy said his name - the man was an asstard, no doubt, but he had a way with the talky) who'd invented that super hot, smexiness look! It was why Anko wanted his mansex and Iruka kept suckin' his dick. Yeah, thas right even crack heads had standards too...

"Uh, yeah. Teacher."

Kakashi tried to recall why this buggy kid looked so familiar to him. A love child? No, no, couldn't be, he always got his baby mama's uh, dead_-ified_, when he found out. Maybe this one had slipped through his clutches...? Kakashi slowly inched backwards, reaching for the spork he always kept handily shoved in his pocket. Ever since - the _war_.

A whistling wind rolled by, followed by the ubiquitous tumbleweed.

"Anything you need Kakashi, uh, sir?"

Kakashi narrowed his eyes, paranoia leaking from every - uh, leaky poor.

"I know yo mama, boi?!"

The sunglasses wearing freak coughed again and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Dammit, now the punk had done it! He _reached_, he _reached _- he probably got a knife in there, or fuck, a gun! Kakashi didn't want to end up like those guys on TV with the new age skinhead anti-socials gunning their asses down!

Kakashi whipped out his spork.

"You related to me little fucker?!"

Shino'd been staring through a weed induced haze for the last, uh, five? minutes. _Buttsex_. He still couldn't figure out what was going on. Dude was his teacher? Related? Uh, hum, er, not that he could remember, but it was distantly possible... Like, God said they was born from the same two seeds, so in essence they were all related - like somehow. He thought the floor was shiny. They prolly use the Pine Fresh.

It smelled, _Pine-y_.

Somewhere in his prefrontal cortex a brain cell was wallowing in the throes of seizure, begging for death to come anon. Death from _anal-fied _bleeding.

"Shakespeare. Cool. I like _bugs_."

Kakashi's eye twitched, and this boded ill for his supposed love child. Eye twitching is a key element of mood in most Anime slash Manga - you cannot forget the fuckin' MANGA, and it's SHORT 'A' you ASS # - fanfics, that mostly express emotions ranging from unbridled hatred to disgust. Kakashi felt murderous intent, which he did NOT steal from Emo-tard Sasuke - cause that blood thirsty shit was off getting his ass raped by Naruto, in both new and frighteningly inventive ways.

Kakashi knew this, because Kakashi had video tape. Lots and lots of video tape. Like _one night in Sasuke _video tape. Ha, ha, stupid Sasuke, Kakashi always knew he'd liked the hot dog - swizzlestick - Spanky McDoggitus the _third_. Thas right, Kakashi and Naruto were da pimp.

Cliche vernacular aside - seriously, who said that anymore accept asstarded Chinese-trying-to-be-black CARTOONS on f#$in' Disney channel (fuck you DISNEY and your ass-numbingly vile cartoons of brain washing mind control!) - and back to the scene. (If none a you remember, that's okay, 'cause fuck if I remember what's goin' on...)

Insert random and oddly homoerotic dancing banana that wastes time until I can remember!

Kakashi was wielding his spork, yeah, that's right - and threatening Shino with it. Thinking now would be a good time to disembowel the look stealing shit-fuck, he inched closer, because after all what if he _was _a love child? - no, naw uh, no _way_, this risk Kakashi could _not _take. Lyin' bitch might start askin' for child support! FUCK NO, as if he could _pay_, what with his own obsessive porn addiction, food, and, uh, that little coke problem...

_Cough_likethetwothosandadaycokehabithehadbutwastryingtocutitdowntojustonethosanddollaradaycokehabit_Cough_.

Hoooooo, that reminded him! Twenty lines offa Anko's tight ass - shit - he needed to go!

The _war_... Kakashi shrieked his totally manly war cry - not to be confused with Zena Warrior Princess war cry or the weird howls crazy Vespa lady war cry - and lodged that spork where the sun don't shine.

_At this point the author is bored so therefore switches to Naruto and Sasuke, because come-on! Everyday's a good day with mansex Naru-Sasuke!_

"You hear that uncommonly manly war cry? It sounded like Zena! Warrior Princess, and possibly the death convulsions of Sakura, because as we all know every Naruto fan girl wants to see her shut the fuck up. Or die."

Naruto bitch-slapped Sasuke before shoving his Emo face back onto his dick. _Bitch_ needed to know his place was on his knees makin' daddy feel _good_! 'Cause Naruto had a thing for Prozac popping manwhores, especially when they had their tongue wrapped around his cock - gaahhhahah, BELIEVE IT MUTHAFUCKAS!

"Mimblewhumpamuddlemumble..."

Naruto gave him the finger, before sucking down about sixty pixy sticks. He liked the _purple _ones.

"Yo, shut up Emo-tard, for I lodge my dick up yur ass."

"Wheelesanumb?"

"I could shove somethin' _else _up yur ass, if you catch me, huh?

_Author is now chomping on popcorn and crying at the beautiful fuck fest that followed, but decided out of respect for FFnet not to actually type out what occurred. Rawk. There was a lotta freaky mansex._

"AAAHHHHHHHH! WHY DID THE DEMENTED SCARECROW MAN STAB IN MY SPLEEN! DEH SPLEEN! OH GOD MY PANCREATIC!"

Kakashi slowly backed away, a very calm innocent look on his face, as if he could see no kid running into a wall with a spork hanging out of his stomach, _running into a wall with a spork hanging out of his stomach. _He continued to walk backwards out the door - still creepily calm, like those fuck-nasty pedophiles who worked in the collectable stores. WHY THE HELL DO THEY LET PEDOPHILES WORK IN CHILD FRIENDLY STORES?

However, inside his pornographic memory - err, that was something else wasn't it? Nevermind - his thinking was very uncalm. The uncalmest.

_Cumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcumcum_ - _AnkoIrukabuttsex..._

Yeah, teh Kakashi rocks.

"Oh, eheheh, Kakashi, hm hm?"

Iruka the crack whore was twitching and scratched at random places. He had a need for the rock. Kakashi could give him the rock. Kakashi _good _- no rock _bad_... Fourteen and a half inches of good crack.

YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT DON'T YOU? I CAN SEE ALL OF YOU FREAKY ASSAMATARDS OF INDIANA JONES TEMPLE OF DOOM! DOOM! WHY THE FUCK IS INDIANA FUCKIN JONES AFRAID OF SNAKES? NARUTO ISN'T EVEN AFRAID OF PEDOPHILE SNAKES! I WON'T SAY IT!

AND REMEMBER KIDS, GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, NINJA'S KILL PEOPLE! LOTSA BLOOD!

_Mansex_.

A/N - I'm almost tempted to tell you not to review. Don't do drugs, you'll end up like me. A forty something washed up ex-sometimes-hippy with arthritis and a slipped disk. If you believe that you have been smokin da ganj way more than me. I'm tired. I encourage you most _definitely_ not to review if your gonna spew crap about my lack of censorship when it comes to sensitive topics. I had a rough day already. Nazi.

Oh yeah. It's FREAKING obvious Shino don't take off his glasses b/c their prolly blood-red and glassy. I mean, killing people? Come on! you gotta smoke something. Or be on something.


End file.
